My freshman year of college was the most life-changing year of my life. I know this reigns true for many people, but this was genuinely when the love in my heart was changed forever.
After I graduated high school, I moved to College Station, TX in hopes to get married to my high school sweetheart, having the time of my life, and figuring out what I wanted the next 4 years of life to look like. Two of those are still playing out, praise God! But my dream of being a rare high school relationship success story took a turn. Devastated, lonely, and confused, my heart didn’t know where to go.
I saw two options. I could numb the pain and go find someone or something to fill this deep void or I could sit in the pain and dive into the depths of this hurt I was feeling. I didn’t know how to pray with such a broken heart, so I just let words come out, said “God help me”, and when I had enough air to breathe, I’d say “Amen”.
A few weeks into settling into this new normal, I began to hit an all-time low. My mind began to overwhelm me so heavily that my body erupted with anxiety and panic. Loneliness felt like the oxygen I was breathing. Now I can’t quite do the next moment justice because it was such a holy moment, there are no words that can describe how precious it was. Wallowing in sadness in my bed full of snotty tissues, I felt this physical pull to get up. So I did. And as soon as I did, my knees hit the ground. In my little one-bedroom studio apartment, all by myself I began to say over and over again, “God help me, God help me, please help me.” I didn’t feel better, if anything I felt exposed as if all my thoughts and raw emotions were on full display. But God showed me He didn’t want me to bear this heartbreak alone. Everything in me desired comfort. I needed people, I needed community. But in full transparency, I didn’t even know where to begin.
I didn’t want to put myself out there because I was so fearful of sharing my heart and opening the door to potential hurt. Soon after I dried up my tears and numbed my thoughts, my best friend from childhood called me to tell me she was coming into town with a bunch of friends and asked if they could stay with me. Part of me wanted to make any excuse to hide and say I was busy, but I knew my heart would hurt more if I lied to her.
The next weekend was when love began to overflow. I experienced another ‘holy moment’. As my friends and I were waiting in line for a local concert, I saw this girl that radiated joy and tenderness. I wanted so badly to introduce myself, but the enemy did everything he could to keep me from doing so. As soon as I made up my mind to keep my mouth shut, this stranger I now know as one of my best friends, sweet Cloe Fae, came up to me and shouted, “can we please be friends, I just want to know you.” Immediately I felt desired, and like the floodgates were opening to something beautiful.
It was a nudge from the stir-crazy Spirit inside of me wanting to show up and be obedient to taking steps towards what was right in front of me. But I resisted. BUT GOD! Being so rich in His mercy, still gave. He saw the fear and pain in my eyes and said NOT TODAY!
I wish I could tell you the hundreds of very detailed, God-ordained, beautiful stories that came from my childhood friend visiting me this one weekend, and how an abundance of people quickly walked into my life. I could weep talking about the life-changing human Cloe Fae has been for me, and how much love I’ve known because of her friendship, but I want to point you in the right direction so you can experience God's love deeper through his people too.
You may not have a single person that knows the first thing about you. But friend, please know you are being held safely by Christ to one day see His best for you. When we choose to trust that His ways are better, we experience an abundance of His beauty and grace. God created us with a desire to be seen, to be known, and to be loved by the people around us. It’s a beautiful thing. But since we are living on this side of Heaven for now, although we have to understand that loneliness, heartbreak, and hurt are very real, they are also very beautiful.
In the deepest, darkest moments of depression, fear, and uncertainty God is so very close waiting for us to fall back into Him.
“The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
Ecclesiastes 3:11 says, “ He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.”
GOD IS MAKING SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL. HE IS AN ARTIST OF CUSTOM PIECES!
So friend, if you are struggling with finding people that genuinely desire to know your heart I encourage you to do three things:
1. Pray. Yeah, that’s a very church answer. But seriously, even if you have no idea how to pray, start talking and ask God questions. He delights in bringing clarity to our misunderstandings and confusions.
”I pray that out of his glorious riches, he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.”
2. BE BOLD! A stranger in a coffee shop, the person next to you in class, or the cashier at the gas station. Show them kindness! You just might make a friend. Ask them questions and get to know them. And if nothing comes of it, keep going, keep loving. God has His best in store for you!
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”
3. Find the good. Don’t fixate on what your life is “missing” in comparison to someone else’s life. You are you, you are not them. As Pinterest quote as it may sound BE
If you’ve read all this way, I want to say thank you. I hope this cliff notes version of such a special story in my life speaks to your heart in some way. I hope you find that there IS hope! Your loneliness, your heartache, or whatever you’re going through is so valuable in the eyes of the Father. Let’s step out in boldness together. Let’s trust His plan together. Let’s celebrate TOGETHER!
“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer, and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him, he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.”
And as always, feel free to write us if you need to just get something off your heart or for advice- we are In This Together Friend.
A Letter To You
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DeFuniak Springs, Fl 32435
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Xx, MM & Laurel